Snow White & The Seven Elves
by Werecat Boy
Summary: A humorous fractured fairy tale twist on Disney's classic, Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.
1. Once Upon A Time

This story here is based on the Fractured Fairy Tales segment of the old _Rocky & Bullwinkle Show_. For those who don't know the concept of it, they would retell classic fairy tales with a modern and humorous twist to it. So, being a big fan of anything Disney (especially the Disney theme parks andDisneyland's Haunted Mansion) I decided to do my own version of fractured fairy tales on a Disney classic, _Snow White_. Enjoy!

* * *

Once upon a time in a kingdom far away, (as if there are any nearby kingdoms in fairy tales), lived a king and a queen named King Marcus and Queen Hazel. They longed for a child, and one day their prayers were answered, and were born a daughter. They named her Snow White, because her skin was pure as snow. 

But sadly, soon after Snow White was born, Queen Hazel died from a sudden sickness. King Marcus, knowing his baby daughter needed a mother, put an ad in all the magazines throughout the country advertising for a queen. It read:

Queen/Mother Wanted!

Young, Beautiful, Smart

Needs To Help Raise Young Princess/Daughter

Be Willing To Marry Rich, Handsome King

Over the next few weeks, the king interviewed dozens and dozens of women to be his queen. He finally selected a young, beautiful, but vain woman named Grimhilde, and they were soon married. But after two years of marriage, King Marcus died of a sickness, like his first wife, Hazel. (Alright, so the story isn't happy and upbeat so far. Give it time, it has a happy ending).

So anyhow, Queen Grimhilde was left to raise Snow White by herself. But after King Marcus had died, Queen Grimhilde's real personality was unveiled. She was mean and cruel to the young Snow White, and treated her like dirt. As Snow White grew up she became more beautiful, which the jealous Queen Grimhilde was enraged by. So, she dressed the young girl in rags and forced her to work as a scullery maid. She washed dishes, did the laundry, scrubbed the floors, polished the royal carriage, and even had to empty the royal cat's litter box. But, Snow White still remained cheerful day in and day out. (Which is pretty amazing considering she had to do all those horrible chores).

Unbeknownst to the young girl, the vain Queen Grimhilde had a magic toaster in the castle's kitchen, to which each and every day the Queen would go to it and ask, "Magic toaster machine, am I still the cutest queen?"

Then the toast would pop up and the toaster replied "You are still the most beautiful and fair, my queen."

But one day, on Snow White's 18th birthday to precise, something different happened. Queen Grimdhilde asked her appliance, "Magic toaster machine, am I still the cutest queen?"

The toast popped up as usual, but this time the toaster replied, "You are still the best my queen, but wise up fast. For soon, Snow White will go whizzing past."

Queen Grimhilde was shocked. "No!" she shrieked. "I'll have to dispose of her."

Later that day, she called upon her chef, Louis, and instructed him to murder Snow White. (Her huntsman was on vacation). "Take her far into the forest and find some secluded glade," she instructed him. "And there, Louis, you shall kill her."

But Louis responded, "But, your majesty, how should I kill her?"

"I don't know. Why don't you just beat her to death with your frying pan?"

"Oh, okay," Louis replied.

And so the chef lead the beautiful Snow White out to the forest to dispose of her. Deep in the forest, when Snow White's back was turned, Louis crept up on the young girl and drew out his frying pan. Snow White turned around and screamed when she saw Louis with frying pan raised, but instead of beating her senseless, Louis dropped the frying pan.

"I can't do it," he shouted.

"Can't do what" the frightened Snow White asked.

"Your stepmother has ordered me to murder you, because she is jealous of your beauty. And I just can't murder you."

"Why not?" Snow White questioned

"Because my hand is cramped from peeling potatoes all day. I can't move it," Louis yelled.

So, taking this opportunity, Snow White ran to hide away in the forest. But the deeper she ran into the forest, the darker it got, and the more frightening it became. Trees seemed to reach out and grab her. Horrible gleaming eyes glowed from the darkness. Creepy and terrifying creatures lurked in the shadows: bats, snakes, giant spiders, and lawyers. Frightened and tired of running she screamed and collapsed to the ground weeping.

* * *

Note:I did not actually come up with the name Queen Grimhilde. In fact, it is actually the never-mentionedname of the Wicked Queen in Disney's _Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs_. 


	2. The Seven Elves

When Snow White raised her head and looked up, she saw a tiny little cottage nestled further back in the woods.

"Oh! A little cottage. Maybe I can find shelter there," she exclaimed loudly to no one in particular (which for some strange reason everyone does in fairy tales). She walked over to the house and knocked on the door.

"Hello. Anybody home?"

Hearing no answer, she tried to open the door, but it was locked.

"Hmmm," she thought to herself. "There must be another way inside."

So, ignoring the law against breaking and entering, Snow White grabbed a large rock and smashed one of the windows, climbing through and entering the kitchen.

"Oh!" she remarked. "How cute. Everything is so tiny. Why look at the seven little chairs and the small table. There must be seven children who live here, or seven midgets or dwarfs."

Snow White walked some more around the house and said, "But my, everything is so dusty and dirty." So, she picked up the phone and called the Royal Castle Cleaning Services, who soon came by and cleaned the cottage from top to bottom.

"Oh, I'm so sleepy," she yawned, and she headed upstairs to the bedroom. In the bedroom, were seven tiny twin beds. "Oh, how cute," she remarked.

At the foot of each bed, had the names of the owners carved on to them. Snow White read them aloud, "Gabby, Sniffy, Jumpy, Crabby, Tubby, Deafy, and Dummy. My what funny names for children, or midgets, or dwarfs."

She let a long yawn, and then fell fast asleep, sprawled out on three of the seven tiny beds.

But actually, children, midgets, or dwarfs didn't really live in that tiny cottage, but instead, seven little elves. The elves worked all day in the forest at the toll gate, collecting money from people traveling in carriages coming through the highway interchange from the enchanted forest to the kingdom. The little elves were Gabby, the leader of the group who always constantly talked; Crabby, who was always, well, crabby; Tubby, who always constantly are; Jumpy, who was a bundle of nerves and jumped at sudden and loud noises; Deafy, who was hard of hearing and always carried a large hearing horn with him; Sniffy, who never stopped sneezing and sniffling; and Dummy, who was completely dumb and stupid.

The seven elves soon started home, but when they reached their cottage, they stood still in their tracks.

"Look!" yelled Gabby. "The lights are on! The chimney's smoking!"

"Oh, no!" cried Jumpy. "There's burglars in our house! What we'll do! WHAT WE'LL DO!"

"Ah, shut up, you dunderhead!" shouted Crabby, as he walloped Jumpy to calm him down.

"What's that? Burgers? I would love some burgers," yelled Deafy.

"Me too," chimed in Tubby.

"Not burgers, you idiot!" screamed Crabby at Deafy. "Burglars!"

"What are we going to do?" Jumpy asked Gabby.

"Well one of us will have to go inside and flush 'em out," said Gabby. "But who?"

The elves then all turned around to face Dummy, who was just smiling with a completely stupid look on his face.

"Here you go, Dummy," said Gabby handing him a club. "Now go inside and flush the burglar out of the house."

Dummy shook his head.

"Alright, tell you what. We'll head inside with you, and we'll be right behind you if you need us," Gabby told him.

Dummy reluctantly nodded his head, and then all seven elves crept silently into their house. Hearing loud snoring from upstairs, Gabby whispered, "It's up in the bedroom. Go on up."

He pushed Dummy up the stairs, and then Dummy tiptoed quietly up to the bedroom. He peered through the doorway and saw Snow White covered under the sheets on the bed, snoring loudly. He then leaped on the bed and started to try hitting the princess. Hearing all the noise upstairs, the other elves soon hurried up and rushed to help Dummy, and soon they were all beating up on Snow White.

"Help! Help!" she cried from being under attack by the elves. She then sat up and started throwing the tiny men off her.

"Why, it's a girl," sniffled Sniffy.

"Why, you're not children, midgets, or dwarfs. You're elves!" Snow White said in astonishment.

"Well, we know who we are, but who are you, and what's the big idea breaking into our house?" snapped Crabby.

"Now, now, let's not be so harsh with her," said Gabby.

"Why, I'm Snow White, the princess," she said.

"The princess!" exclaimed the elves in surprise.

"I don't care if she's the Queen of England!" shouted Crabby. "She can't stay here. She's probably ain't nothing but a no good hussy!"

"Oh, please let me stay," pleaded Snow White.

She then told them her whole story. All the elves agreed to let her stay, all except of course, Crabby.

"I don't care about your sob story," Crabby shouted. "Ya can't stay here! I say we should kick her out into the street on her can and let Queen Grimhilde get her, for all I care. She can't go around breaking into other people's homes."

But, Gabby, Tubby, Jumpy, Deafy, Sniffy, and Dummy all ignored Crabby and let Snow White stay. She cooked dinner for them, and they sang and danced joyfully for the rest of the night.

* * *

Note: The names I pickedfor the elves were actually some names on a list of about fifty others that Walt Disney actually considered for the dwarfs. In some drafts Jumpy and Deafy were actually planned to be names for the dwarfs in the movie, but eventually Jumpy became Dopey, and Deafy was dropped in favor of Sneezy. 


	3. A Poisoned Pear

The next day, back at Queen Grimhilde's castle, the Queen entered the royal kitchen once again, and consulted her magic toaster.

She asked it, "Magic toaster machine, am I now still the cutest queen?"

The toast popped up, but the toaster replied, "Snow White is the fairest and cutest in all of the land."

The Queen became absolutely infuriated.

"Alright, listen wiseacre!" she shouted at the toaster. "I had my chef, Louis, take her out into the forest yesterday and kill her. He even brought me back her heart to prove it!" In her hands she clutched a heart. "So, how can she be the fairest in the land?"  
The toaster replied, "Louis has failed in doing the murderous deed, and what he did may have you quite peeved. You're the biggest idiot throughout the land, it's the heart of an artichoke you hold in your hand!"  
She flung the vegetable heart to the floor. "Curses! Foiled again! Where shall I find the wretched wench?"  
"Over the seven jeweled hills, beyond the seventh fall--  
"Spare me the formalities," she snapped.  
"Okay, okay! Snow White's in the cottage of the seven elves, still the fairest and cutest of all."

"No! This cannot be!" Queen Grimhilde shrieked.

"Sorry, queenie," the toaster replied. "That's the way the cookie crumbles."

"I'll show you that's how the cookie crumbles!" the Queen screamed, as her face reddened with anger.

And with that, she ripped the magic toaster from its outlet in the wall, hurtled it to the kitchen floor, and stomped on it till it was nothing but smithereens.

She then made a mad dash down to the castle's dungeon in a fit of rage and entered her laboratory.

"I'll show them!" she shouted. "I'll go myself to the elves' cottage in a disguise so complete, no one will ever suspect who I am."

She then pulled out one of her spell books from the shelf, and began mixing strange and bubbling concoctions.

When she was done mixing the ingredients, she canted the potion's magic words, "Over the teeth, and past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes."

And with that she took one long drink of the horrid potion. She dropped the glass to the floor with a crash, and clutched her throat as the potion began to take effect. Her skin became withered, old, and wrinkly, her nose grew long and crooked, her eyes bulged hideously, and her voice became a hoarse rasp. She then collapsed to the floor. When she stood up again, she had been transformed into an old, ugly witch.

"A perfect disguise! Snow White will never suspect who I am," she cackled with glee. "And now a special sort of death for one so fair. What shall it be?"

She then began to thumb through pages of her book, Martha Stewart's Big Book Of Curses, Spells, And Other Incantations, looking for a curse or a spell to place Snow White under.

"Ah!" she exclaimed as she found the best one. "A poisoned pear! Sleeping death! One bite of the poisoned pear and the victim's eyes will close forever, in the sleeping death. Perfect!"

Queen Grimhilde then walked over to her poisoned fruit and vegetables vending machine, and inserted a crinkled dollar bill, which it refused to take. She turned it over and tried to put it in on the reverse side, but that didn't work. She tried to smooth it out of the corner of the machine, but that didn't work either. Grabbing it with both arms, she shook it. "Gimme!" A pear finally rolled out. After smoothing back her frazzled hair, she cackled with glee and left her dungeon, and headed out to the seven elves' cottage in the forest.

* * *

A very special thanks to Aquarian Wolf with helping me edit this chapter. 


	4. To The Seven Elves Cottage

Meanwhile, at the cottage Snow White kissed the seven elves goodbye as they left to go to work at the tollgate.

Soon after the elves left, Queen Grimhilde reached the cottage exhausted and panting.

"Oh, boy!" she gasped. "Who would have thought that the seven elves' cottage was so far from the castle? I should have called a taxi. Well, time to take care of that little brat, once and for all!"

The Queen then approached the elves' cottage, and peered her head in through the kitchen window, and saw Snow White making pies.

"Hello, dearie. Making pies I see," said the Queen cunningly.

Snow White looked up and saw Queen Grimhilde in her ugly witch disguise, took one look at the hag, and…screamed bloody murder.

"Ahhhhhhhhh! A horrible, ugly, old witch!" she screamed.

Snow White then slammed the window and shutters closed in Queen Grimhilde's face.

"Hmm, ain't as easy as I thought this was going to be," said the Queen.

Inside, Snow White quickly dashed all over the tiny house, closing and locking every door and window. Outside, Queen Grimhilde walked around the house, looking for another way in.

"Ah, here we go," she cackled with glee, as she discovered the storm doors leading to the cellar were left open. She headed down into the dark and musty basement, and then started up the wooden stairs to the first floor. Hearing the witch's footsteps coming up the cellar steps, Snow White desperately tried to lock the basement door, but the lock was stuck open. So, she grabbed a nearby vase of flowers, and stood next to the door.

The Queen opened the door and peered around the room.

"Yoohoo! Dearie," she called. "Would you like to try a nice, juicy…"

But before the Queen could finish her sentence, Snow White crept up behind her and smashed the vase of flowers over the witch's head.

"Ooh, what's that loud ringing noise I hear…" said Queen Grimhilde, and she fell to the floor unconscious. As she fell to the ground, the poisoned pear fell out of her hands and rolled to the floor. Spotting the fresh pear, Snow White exclaimed, "Oh, a pear!"

She then grabbed the fruit and took a bite. She began to feel woozy and then collapsed to the floor, as the sleeping death took effect.

Four hours later, Queen Grimhilde came to and regained consciousness.

"Oh boy, do I need a cup of joe," she groaned, standing to her feet.

She then looked down and saw Snow White lying on the floor, with the poisoned pear next to her with a bite taken out of it.

She jumped for joy and fiendishly cackled with glee, "I did it! I did it! I don't know how I did it, but I did it! Now I'll be the fairest in the land!"

The Queen then hurried back to her castle, mixed up another potion, and turned herself back to her original, beautiful queeny self.

Now confidently, she entered the castle's kitchen, and asked, "All right, magic toaster machine, am I now still the cutest queen." Hearing no reply, she asked again loudly, "I said, magic toaster machine, am I now still the cutest queen."

But again no reply.

Enraged, she walked over to where her magic toaster usually sat, and shouted, "I said…"

But as she rounded the kitchen counter, she looked down at the floor, and remembered that in her fit of fury, she smashed it to pieces.

"No!" she cried. "No! No! It's not fair! Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I deserve this. Now how will I ever know if I'm the fairest and cutest in the land?"

She desperately tried to fix it, but it always short-circuited or exploded. Queen Grimhilde would never again find out if she was the fairest in the land.


	5. And They Lived Happily Ever After

Meanwhile, back at the elves' cottage, the seven elves came home and found Snow White under the sleeping death curse, and were terribly sad. Finding her so beautiful, even under the sleeping death, they could not find it in their hearts to bury her. So, they built a glass coffin in the forest and placed her in it. Every day, they would go out into the woods to her glass coffin and place a flower on it.

But, it just so happened that one day, the young, handsome Prince William from the neighboring kingdom, was riding through the forest and came upon the seven elves standing by Snow White's glass coffin.

He asked them, " Excuse me, my seven tiny good men, but pray tell can you show me the way to Rapunzel's tower? I need to rescue her from an evil witch."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't know where Rapunzel's tower is," replied Gabby.

"Perhaps you might recognize her. The chick with the red hair that's about 25 feet long."

"No, I don't know her, sir," said Gabby. " We just have the princess Snow White here under an evil spell."

"How do you know she's under an evil spell?" Prince William asked.

"Because it happens to almost every princess in fairy tales," responded Tubby.

"Oh," said Prince William. "Well, I guess I'll be on my way then…"

But, as the Prince was about to ride off, he took one look at Snow White through the glass coffin and instantly fell in love with her.

He leaped off his horse, ran to her side, and exclaimed, "Yowza! Forget about Rapunzel, Snow White is where it's at." Turning to the seven elves he asked, "So how I do break the evil curse?"

"We don't know," said Sniffy.

"Evil purse!" shouted Deafy frantically, not hearing Prince William clearly. "Where! Where!"

"Not evil purse! EVIL CURSE!" bellowed Crabby at Deafy.

"Why not try kissing her?" Gabby suggested to the Prince.

"Will it work?" Prince William asked.

"I'm not sure, but it usually works in almost every fairy tale. Besides it if doesn't work then there won't be a happy ending."

So, Prince William opened the casket and kneeled down and kissed her. Well, sure enough, Snow White's eyes opened and Queen Grimhilde's evil spell was broken.

The Prince then looked into her eyes and said, "Hello, baby. My name is Prince William and I'm from the next kingdom across the way. Would you be interested in getting married and becoming my bride?"

Snow White, being the impressionable young bimbo she sometimes is, replied, "Oh, yes I will."

Prince William then took her into his arms and they mounted on his horse, and the couple galloped off into the sunset.

"Goodbye," Snow White called back to the elves as she rode off with the Prince. "I'll send you invitations to our wedding."

"Goodbye," the elves called out in joy, except for, of course, Crabby, who just stood there with a giant frown on his face and his arms folded.

"Ha!" he grumbled. "I told ya she was a no good hussy. Rides off with the first pretty boy she sees, and doesn't even say thank you to us for letting her stay at our house."

So anyhow, Snow White and Prince William were soon married, and moved into a spacious 200-room castle. So Snow White, Prince William, and the seven elves (excuse me, make that six out of the seven ) all lived happily ever after.


End file.
